Posted by: suek2001 | September 2, 2016

“Smiles awake you when you rise”…..

So…here it is….

September 2nd….my birthday…..the narcissist in me is thrilled…a day where people pay attention to me..all day….the kid in me is thrilled….a plan to join friends for mini-golf later is in place….and the adult in me realizes that it’s just another day for millions across the globe……and all of these thoughts are fine to me…

Mom woke me up before my alarm..Each year she gets just a bit more excited for my birthday than I do….She’s dying to see what I thought of the outfit she bought me…on sale…Smoky grey knit pants(with POCKETS!)..and a maroon blouse with long sleeves…

Yep..summer is just about over…and Fall is here….For me, summer was over when the Kingston Trio Fantasy camp wrapped up a few weeks ago…

..and I suppose I should pontificate on what it all means..

The truth is..I don’t know…..I’m 45 years old today…and I don’t know what life really means….I know that I am doing my best to live for God but human desire gets in the way….I know that I am blessed to have a great mom, wonderful church..awesome city…giving friends..and a large music collection…

..but what does it all mean?

Lately, I’ve had this nagging feeling that my life is somehow not as grand as it’s supposed to be….that somehow, I’m missing some grand accomplishment….It’s a bit of a restlessness….maybe a mid-life crisis…

Maybe,  if I was married…is that the missing piece? Maybe if I was a world famous writer by now, is that what I am longing for?

Maybe, I am falling into the trap of feeling like I should have arrived by now….and that’s a trap that too many fall into…

The longing for what’s next keeps me moving forward..the longing to see if there are things I can still do..people I can still meet…truths about God, I can still discover…love I can conquer….music to absorb..all of that..still awaits me…

No matter what happens on the world stage,  I know this journey will go forward…I know that my heart will still seek…

Yet, I am noticing that my life is changing quietly..My diet is slowly changing…I can scarf down a caesar salad in a good pace…Five years ago, I would have squirmed at the mere thought….I taste the grease and salt in most fast food now….and frozen dinners bore me to tears….and fresh fruit has a sensation all of it’s own…

God knows I’m not a healthy eater but I am willing to try things….

I was willing to perform in front of a room full of people this year….haven’t done that in years..and I came out of it fine…

I am noticing the simple beauty in the flowers outside of my workplace…I have no sense of smell and they always looked nice on a basic level..but there is true art in a flower bed….

I am learning to savor the way my friends and my Mom laugh and share their joys…I don’t ever want to take those relationships for granted…

Five years ago, I felt triumphant on my 40th birthday…I overcame so much to be where I am….now, I am just trying to savor life…as it zips by too fast…I can no longer say I just turned 40..I’m knee deep in them now…

So, what is ahead for me? I am have no idea..I trust God to know.and I trust myself to explore more….and just savor that after so many years of self-loathing..this decade has freed me of almost all of that….

So, I trust….in my Mom to always support me,,trust in my friends that they will laugh with me…and trust that God will always love me…

So, with all of that support, I don’t really need the answers right now…I just need to know “the road shines bright, when you’re going home”….

 

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