Posted by: suek2001 | September 26, 2015

“She only reveals what she wants you to see”

I have no idea what it is about Billy Joel lyrics lately but this one ran through my head a few times in the last 24 hours…

I have spent a good portion of my life feeling like an outsider..a misfit with no real sense of how to connect with people…thinking that when I do, whoever it is they only like me for a season..and that I may not be that awesome to be with…

That’s changed in the last 10 years or so..I count myself blessed to have an awesome church..and great friends…I think I make a decent friend..although I still have my doubts on that front…

The last few days have made me ponderous about my faith..my values and what I want to be..and what God wants me to be…

I’m not afraid of God..I would say that I no longer fear failing him but that’s not entirely true..I fear failing him but I don’t fear losing His love…for that has been the one constant in my life…

My friends, on the other hand…They may be surprised to know this but it has taken me years to trust them..not because of anything they have done to me but because I have been burned before….and I now feel like I can trust them…or least somewhat trust them..

We are human beings after all..we will let each other down..we will screw each other over for our own benefit…I’m sure I’ve done it and may do it again…

Still, these last few days have made me wonder what kind of friend I am…

I found out that someone I have long cared about doesn’t value me as a friend as much as I thought..and my theory is that my faith plays a role..This person thinks I might judge them for their failings and for their carnal desires…When I heard that, I realized that my faith was not an asset to our friendship but a liability…and quietly, in my heart..I am moving forward from this friend…I will not surrender my faith or my love for God for it has carried me through more things than any one friend ever will…

On the other side of the spectrum, I have another friend who is going through a severe heartache right now and needs support…and that causes me to question what my role to this friend should be…Human nature wants to empathize and says “yeah you’re right” and tear down people I don’t know or question motives of people but that’s not entirely helpful..It just gets them in a pit of negativity….so my offer is support..prayer..and privately I pray for wisdom and healing…

So all this makes me wonder..Do I show only certain people certain sides of myself..the kind and compassionate side..with a touch of wicked humor? That’s certainly what my church sees…My work friends see me as a bit hot tempered….slightly rebellious and a bit gossipy at times…

The title of this blog is from a Billy Joel song, “She’s Always a Woman”…and the line speaks to the heart of what a woman really is…we only reveal what we want people to see…there may be a bit of insecurity in that..there may be manipulation in that…there could be a myriad of reasons for that but we do…

It all comes down to trust…who do we trust..with what part of ourselves…and for me, at age 44 is it too late to trust? Is it too late to be an awesome friend to someone?

I was asked yesterday why I am not active in carnal ways and I said that I don’t miss what I don’t know…and also that God has blessed me in so many other ways..that’s where I see my joy in life…I hold no judgement on those who enjoy the carnal things, it’s just not me…

I just hope the one blessing I can be is a good friend….and I’m still figuring out what that is…

 

 

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