Posted by: suek2001 | September 2, 2015

“Sooner or later I’ll be flirting with time”

Woke up this morning to Mom calling me to sing Happy Birthday….and rain and thunder…I don’t recall rain being in the forecast but if it clears our skies and sucks the humidity out of the air for a time I can live with it..

I was born 44 years ago today…Hard to believe ,it was 44 years ago..I have no memory of my birth..and very few memories of my childhood from the 70’s…although John Denver music plays a huge role…

Birthdays are supposed to turn you ponderous….I;m not sure I need that..I’ve always been a deep thinker of things….

As for any deep thoughts, I am amazed at how my heart and soul are changing…

This year, my body started telling me things…I’m getting old…I need to care a bit more about myself…and it’s telling me when to let go..and when to hold on…

I have walked away from a friendship this year when I realized I just couldn’t change my moral compass for her…Okay, that’s the high and mighty reason..the real reason, is that she didn’t trust me with the truth of who she really was…There was no huge fight..I am not bitter…the friendship just faded…I have nothing against her..and I am almost sure she doesn’t even think of me..

In February, I choked on a chicken strip and spent a lovely night in the ER..where I was given the news that I have high blood pressure and will have to undergo an endoscopy to enlarge my esophogus…

Here’s the funny thing..I figured taking the blood pressure med would be enough….but it wasn’t…I found that I just was too scared to eat  anything..too scared to choke again…so I changed a few eating habits…and wow…I lost 24 pounds since February…

I have tried to indulge on fried foods….and yet, my stomach tells me no..I have tried to eat a bunch of Doritoes in one sitting…and my body has shut me down…

I can make a small bag of Doritoes(those $1.29 bags) last two days..I NEVER used to do that…but salt only goes so far with me…

It never used to be like that…I just don’t eat much..I drink V8..and eat yogurt…and protein bars..once in awhile, a fruit smoothie…

All things that were foreign to me five years ago are now a part of my diet..I am not trying to brag about how awesome I am but I am only saying that my body is changing…

Last week, for the first time in my life, I bought face cream..My skin has felt kind of funky on my face for awhile..I am not doing it to look younger to others..I am doing it because the touch of it is grossing me out…

I was in a make up aisle in Wal-Mart for ten minutes..of my own free will…and no one else was there…It weirded me out a little…

I am changing…and I like this change..for I am doing it for me..no one is telling me how to do it..No one is telling me I should…

I have reached a point where I am frustrated that I am single not because I am some ugly gnome waiting to be loved…but I am frustrated because I am finally comfortable to be Sue Keller…

It’s taken 44 years to get to this point..44 years of self-loathing..44 years of trying to shed the “ugly, geeky girl that no guy will ask out” type image,I gave myself…

..and now, this is my turn..my turn to find someone that willfully will appreciate a witty..smart…almost sexy(Midwestern modesty kicks in here) woman..and I am willing to love back…

I’ve had another friendship that tested me just recently..He also lied to me..and made me wonder if I was truly a friend but God showed me that our final chapter is not written yet…and as a result, I have been set free..Free of an expectation of marriage from him..(I really can’t believe I still wanted that with him all these years later)..Free from the expectations of his family’s judgement of me..free to know that I don’t have to cling to him as my only hope of happiness..Free to be honest with him when he’s screwing up his life…

I know this blog has been a bit convoluted at times but lots of thoughts are running through my head…

It may be raining and stormy outside but I know my future is bright…There will be frustrating moments to be sure…but I am so grateful for those frustrating moments of the past..for they have made me who I am in Christ today…

I wake up each day feeling truly blessed…and today, I wish myself aHappy Birthday…on so many levels..

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