Posted by: suek2001 | June 21, 2015

“You go back, jack, do it again”–a missive on fathers

I suppose I should say something deep and profound about fathers on Fathers Day but I really can’t.. The last time I physically saw my father was when I ran into him in a grocery store..I was 12 years old and it took me about ten seconds to realize who it was….I politely chatted with him and got the hell out of there…

My Father and I talked periodically throughout the years…the last time was in 2004 around my birthday…and that painful realization that alcohol and mental imbalances had eaten any good memories we shared when I was little, still lingers…

Personal things happened and we lost touch…and when he died in 2006, I was left out of his obituary….something that I would eventually find funny but my mother is still steamed about…

I think my finding humor is in the fact how far grudges can be taken…and the sad realization that he never found out why I did what I did….he didn’t care to know…

Still, his death freed me..freed me of the cloud of my relationship with him..freed me of the random insecurities that if I had only been a boy, he would have loved me a bit more..when the reality is that he couldn’t really love anyone…

(sidenote, it also freed me to like the music he liked without the memory connected, I listened to Steely Dan and Steve Miller Band a lot more now than I never did growing up)

He would have other children and on some level be a better father to them…

So, on this day, I feel their pain at the loss of their father….and steel myself with the annual celebration of fathers as this vaunted superhero that I never knew…

I was blessed to have some great male role models in life when I was younger but none of them could be called Dad…and truth be told, no matter how many stories I hear or jokes I hear about fatherhood, it will always remain elusive to me..it will be a world I will never understand…

So, I hope that the kids with great fathers know how blessed they are..and how culturally they are blessed by the mere existence of a father in their lives…

I hope those who have lost their fathers recently or at an age, when they remember who they are, savor the memories they have..

..and for the rest of us that wonder and hope for painless Father’s Day celebrations, I raise my glass with you..We survived without them and in some cases, we thrived…

..and may future generations never have to go through that kind of pain…

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Responses

  1. Susie, I think this is one of the best blogs you have ever written.


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