Posted by: suek2001 | April 9, 2015

If you put your arms around me, could it change the way I feel..

I haven’t written in awhile….and the reason is my DSL is acting weird and I don’t trust it.

Trust is an interesting thing…and with all the talk of value and trust lately, I never thought I would have to examine it in my personal life.

I will admit it..I am insecure…I can be needy and clingy..and a bit of a self-centered person..who am I kidding? I’m single..self-centeredness is part of the lifestyle…

I have had something happen in my life this weekend, question everything I believed in..except God..my church and my Mom..

I am watching a friendship slowly crumble due to lies…lies told by him..lies I told myself…

My main crime is that I’ve always felt things deeply….and this is no exception…

My friend appears to be in love with someone…and it is not me..I am not mourning that he does not love me, I am mourning the fact that my friendship with him will change….I knew that…and I was willing to accept that..but this love has been kept a secret from me..for months…

I thought I was a best friend to him…apparently, he couldn’t trust me with the truth….and an emotional argument came out..accusations were thrown..snottiness was elevated(that would be by me)…and every complaint we ever had about each other in our twelve year friendship came out…

Women LOVE to do that..we recall everything..and we not only recall everything..we recall all the wrongs and how we FELT at the time of those wrongs….and guys will never get that…

The details are not important..as some people know some aspects of this sordid story…but trust is something that I don’t think can be recovered…

I will say it again..I am insecure..and this whole thing touched on my insecurities..and made me ask all the fruitless questions:

Why not me? (long answer and not even relevant to my truest feelings)

Was I not a good friend? (I was..apparently, but not enough to be honest)

How rotten of a person am I?(only God knows my heart and thankfully He still loves me)

Still, these questions and so much more I asked myself this week…and I hated it…

There was a time when I loved self-pity…self-hatred was a great mindset for me..but I realized it got me nowhere..and I learned to trust God that I was a decent person..not a troll that climbed out of the sewer by accident..and with that trust in God, I learned to trust people…

I was reflecting late last year how I was truly blessed to be comfortable with friends that can tease me for I knew they loved me..it took me years to get that way…and I knew I was on my way to some great things..For when you believe you are a great thing, you can accomplish great things…

Still, laziness is one more obstacle to get through but I am slowly growing…

..and then in an instant..trust is shattered from someone I deeply loved…once as a girlfriend..and then a close friend…

So, the question I ask now..is “Okay God. now where do I go?”…

At one point this week, I felt that empty pit of lonliness opening up just as it did when my friend Dennis died 20 years ago…

..but this isn’t 20 years ago…this is 2015..I have a strong Church fellowship..and I have a deeper walk with Christ to get me through it…and I have friends that have been there..and shown me love through Facebook..and through music…banjoes can heal the soul more than you know…

Things aren’t as bleak as then..things are just changing…and then I circle back to that word again…trust…

Trust in God is why I don’t go out and do selfish things that will destroy my braincells…

Trust that Christ will never leave me is why I don’t just grab some random guy and use him just to get some weird taste of revenge….

Trust in the plan that God has is why I went to church tonight…and laid all my fears..all my cares…and my future in His hands….

Some friends have had their trouble and dark times as of late and I was preaching to them a few weeks ago but focusing on God and letting God show you where to go…It’s time I listen to what I’ve been saying…

One other prayer that comes out of this is that I don’t want any hate or bitterness towards my close friend and his new love…It does no one any good to hang on to that…It does NOT move me forward..and it chains me to resentments of the past..instead of seeing some of the joyous moments we have shared…

I know God will heal me..I just know He will…His ways are higher than mine….I just wish His timing was mine…Of course, the big picture we’re hoping for is never the one that God intends…

My blog title comes from the opening line of one of my favorite Jars of Clay songs…it appeals to the angsty side of my faith that creeps out sometimes..but more than angst, it is a prayer…and a beautiful one at that…

So, I close with this paraphrase from the song..”Change this something painful into something beautiful”..

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