Posted by: suek2001 | March 12, 2015

Some love is a just a lie of the mind…

I was watching some clip of Keith Olbermann saying that we should get Brian Williams back on the air as all he did was embellish things…

I have written about Brian here..

https://suek2001.wordpress.com/2015/02/07/how-do-you-slow-jam-the-news/

..and the state of jouranlism here:

https://suek2001.wordpress.com/2014/09/04/out-here-in-the-field-i-fight-for-my-meals-i-get-my-back-into-my-living/

..and in passing in many blogs….so this entry will not be about that…

It is about food…I rarely discuss food in this blog…as I have horrific eating habits and my body is nowhere near as awesome as it should be..

The title of this blog comes from a Billy Joel lyric…the song was called “Matter of Trust”..always loved that line from that song..the song annoys me but that lyric is good..

I have written about my trip to the ER when I had a piece of meat stuck in my throat…and wound up having an endoscopy…

https://suek2001.wordpress.com/2015/02/06/get-busy-livin-or-get-busy-dyin/

Since then, I have been on prilosec and enjoyed the thrill and the wonder of a “Full liquid diet”…I’ve eaten enough mashed potatoes and pureed food to last a lifetime..

I had a follow-up endoscopy a couple of weeks ago and the mere thought of swallowing scared me..I could do it but it hurt like hell…

A week later, the pain is gone…and I am trying to figure out what to eat..I have no diet restrictions but I have an abundance of trust issues with food..

I am an insecure person…always have been..and there are times when God has to hit me hard to remind me that even HE loves me..all these years into my relationship with Him, He still has to remind me…Glad He doesn’t give up..

I am thrilled I don’t have to prove my worth to my spouse or my kids because I have none…so my trust issues are now thrust upon food…

I love salty food…I am a huge consumer of processed food…a bad habit that started in college…when freedom was another word for doing whatever your parents wouldn’t allow..

in that freedom, laziness was born..I don’t like to cook..I don’t trust in my abilities to learn…

So, now I have all these processed foods to consume…and my blood pressure really loves that…

Still, a week later and every time there’s a piece of food that I want to have,I triple check my spirit to see if I really want to..

Two endoscopies have put a lot of fear into my heart when it comes to eating…I hate eating anything in a hurry..so I only do protien shakes on my breaks at work..and I take forever eating meat at home and try to avoid eating when I am starving…

I just pray that I will learn to trust myself again in eating right..slowly..and learning as I go…

I know it is a lie of the mind that everything I eat has that potential to get stuck in my throat and could kill me..It just will take a while to get that trust back..

Trust is not something that comes automatic for a lot of people…it takes years to earn it back…and maybe by then, I can eat a chicken strip with no fear…

As for now, I am grateful for one thing, I have finally acquired a taste for yogurt…there’s still hope for health in me yet….

I see an allergist next week to determine what food I may be allergic to..they think that might be causing my esophogus to close….and then once I know, I will either have to say goodbye to that food that’s trying to kill me or establish a responsible relationship with it and go from there…

Why does trust have to be so hard to earn..and keep?

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