Honesty is something people seem to either love or hate….I seem to recall this exchange in reference to honesty from the movie Jerry Maguire..
Kelly Preston: Do you remember what we promised each other at the start of our relationship?
Tom Cruise: I think so..(typical guy, guessing what the woman wants to discuss)
Kelly Preston: Honesty. Brutal honesty.
Tom Cruise: Oh yes, honesty, I promised you that but you added the “brutal” part…
That part always made me laugh as brutal honesty is something not everyone can take…and I have some honesty to lay out to all of my readers.
I haven’t written much lately..I have a few ideas rolling around in my head but my head has been too caught up in the high art of writing. I have written some great entries that encapsulate my college education and life experiences but I fear that brilliance is short lived or worse, a fluke.
It’s not just in my blog but on Facebook as well. I am not that verbose there lately, either. It’s true that social media can have a negative effect on the brain but I choose to view social media as a conduit to friendships. Although, these past few months have challenged a lot of those friendships too.
It’s been an interesting time in as the pandemic rages across the nation and the world. Leaders of all professions jockey for airtime on network news broadcasts to reassure us or scare the hell out of us. It depends on the day and what the statistics say. I am not going to write a blog for or against mask wearing, COVID tests or say that I’m love with Dr. Fauci or think Trump is doing a great job. After awhile, it’s all noise.
The truth is I have fallen into a depression. I am not trying to be dramatic but I really have. I don’t think I need drugs to cure me or a string of sunny days to break me. It’s not that deep but it’s just this sense of the world passing me by. If I am being honest, I don’t feel hopeless or faithless, just plain sad…
I have spent the past four months watching way too much TV..binge-watching crime shows and really bad movies and eating every salty snack I can. I have only been going to church sporadically(due to shutdowns and watching online) and have grown accustomed to ordering groceries online. I live alone so my social interactions consist mainly of working my job and talking with my co-workers…and anyone who work a “9 to 5” type service job knows that you’re self-worth should never be your job and there’s a difference between real friends and work friends. I can almost guarantee that my co-workers tolerate me and like me only because they are stuck with me for eight hours.
I have said it so many times, I like myself more when I am not at work..as my church friends and my Camp friends remind me of the best part of me without expecting anything in return. Yet, I haven’t had much interaction with anyone these past few months. Honestly, I have a fear of being left behind as those with lovers and families reconnect and forget their real-world friends, like me. Social Distancing is a great phrase but a lousy lifestyle. This pandemic has hurt a lot of businesses and changed the lives of those who have contracted it. I am not even remotely saying that the pain and suffering of those who have COVID 19 is not worth noting. It is. I am grateful not to have it and grateful my Mom doesn’t have it. I am just sick of the isolation and I am bit jealous of those who have families and lovers to quarantine with. I wish I did but all I have is my TV, my fridge and my laptop. I could go out for a walk in my lovely city but the process of doing that is a bit of a pain. I wear a mask for my job in a hot building for a eight hours a day. Walking around the neighborhood is just too much to ask…and besides, how many times can one go walking alone to not feel isolated?
One other source of my sadness is the cancellation of two trips due to this wretched virus. The first came in April when I had to postpone a trip to see my Mom and even the Folk Legacy Trio(that gig was eventually cancelled). It’s now been more than a year since I’ve seen my mom and neither one of us are getting any younger. Each day that goes by, scares me a bit more but I postponed the trip to October for her safety and our eventual fun. So, it better happen or I will surely go mad.
The other cancellation was my annual trip to Americana Camp in Scottsdale, AZ. I’ve written about this plenty of times in my blog so you know it means a lot to me. This trip made all the crappy days at work worth it for each hour I put in at work, the money went to pay for my trip. Now, it feels weird not to have anything to countdown for, save for or yearn for. I loved the feel of Camp as I felt a part of something that was as close to being in the “cool kids” club as I am ever going to be.
I will miss the music, the banjos, the hotel but most of all, my friends…Messaging and Zoom are not the same…and the yearlong postponement seems like an eternity. I understand the whys and wherefores of the postponement but it still really sucks and it has hit me harder than I imagined. My soul is crying for this trip and the only answer I get is silence.
So, there you have it. I’m being honest. I am not being overly-dramatic. I know this will pass and our lives might get back to normal at some point but I feel so isolated and at a standstill it’s hard to figure out how much longer to hang on to hope.
God’s got a way out of this. I am sure of it. I am sure we’ll all think we’re better people for it but for all the endless memes about how this year is a horrible year, there’s been way too much sorrow to go with it to really laugh about it anymore.
This took me about a week to want to write but I figured getting my feelings out was worth it so I could start writing again and feeling something besides sad. Productive, I’ll take that…and as I said at the beginning of this blog, I just want to be honest…as Billy Joel once sang, “Honesty is such a lonely word”…
Well, I must be going, my Blue Bunny Ice Cream is calling to me and we’re very close now.